Magnificence and passion and w

Magnificence and passion and work.  

     I just got off the phone with my step-mother.  I had called just to say hello and find out a few things and let her know something.  She and I had a nice conversation, her saying more than I did, but she told me something interesting.  I didn't understand what she meant until now.  She told me that all I do is sulk in my room doing nothing productive, and she is right.  All I ever do is watch anime and play on Facebook and other game sites and watch more anime and listen to music.  She's right when she says that I don't do anything productive and I just run away from the world when I feel it is being cruel to me.  She told me to start doing something productive like painting a house or planting a garden, but I don't think I would excel at either of those things.
     This summer I was supposed to work to save up money for a car, so I don't have to keep asking my friends for rides.  It went well for about a week and then some of my stuff got stolen and instead of going into work and doing my hardest to earn money to get back what I had lost, I sulked and did nothing.  I realize that my action was not the path I should have chosen.  I should have gone to work, but instead I felt sorry for myself.  Because of the path I chose I didn't get as much work as I could have.  I lost the trust of my sister and her husband.  I had promised them that I would work all summer and pay them rent and see it all the way through.  I failed.  I feel like I did nothing but feel sorry for myself all summer.  Even though I had some work, it wasn't enough to make me feel like I was doing anything worthwhile.  I felt useless to them.  I didn't work hard enough.  
     My sister told me that if you really want something, you have to work at it.  It doesn't happen right away.  I foolishly compared life to videos on the internet where you have to wait for them to load and that they don't just load instantly.  She told me that I was naive and that I live in a different time as she and mom did.  Mom grew up when there weren't computers or internet and my sister was born into an era of computers just beginning.  I was born into an era where everything is governed by technology and that is what we mainly depend on.  Or, at least most of us teenagers do.  
     While I was talking to my mom she told me to put the work Magnificent into my "hopper."  I asked her why.  She then told me that when I draw I need to start putting the word magnificent into it and write above it "I am" so that when I look at it the drawing says to me "I am magnificent."  She told me to look at that whenever I felt sorry for myself or when I feel useless or when I don't want to do anything.  Mom told me that she and my family have faith in me to do what I want, but I have to work at it and have passion while doing it.  She said that if I had passion, I would be the best person I could possibly be.  She also pointed out that I don't have any self-confidence or self-esteem, and she's 100% right about that.  
     The thing I want more than anything in my life is to be able to model for clothing lines and be the person young girls and teenagers look up to as a role model.  I want that more than anything, but I don't see how I can do that if I don't even have confidence that I can fulfill that role.  I figured out that in order to become the role model that I want to be, I need to believe that I am the best person I can be and that I am magnificent.  If I can start believing that, I might just be able to become the model that I want to be.  I just have to work at it.
    In the end, my mom said that it is all up to me, and I know that it is now.  I know I had lived a sheltered life and didn't have a whole lot of guidance, my mom and dad are behind me 100%.  My mother told me they believed in me that I would do something great, I just had to unlock my hidden potential and passion and do what I love even if it mentally hurts me.  I need to learn how to take rejection and work hard to become who I want to be.  I'm ready to undergo that transformation.  
     I am magnificent.